The following post topic breaks from the typical material found on "Nuggets of Knowledge." Howe
ver, the topic often plays a large role in education. Granted, I'm on a bit of a rant, so I hope you'll forgive me.
I have a confession to make: I want my kid to slug someone. Not enough to cause real injury. Just enough to relay the message, "Don't mess with me again." I'm done.
This is not me. I'm not a violent person. In fact, years of martial arts teaches me restraint--not to use those skills unless absolutely necessary. Even more years of Methodist upbringing and teaching have given me a very pro-peace mentality. However, after almost 7 years of watching my son struggle with bullies, after getting almost no help from school during the grade school years, and after trying everything to arm this kid with the ability to deflect the bullies (i.e.: role playing, therapy, etc.), I've lost the ability to be reasonable when it comes to kids who have not been taught things such as tolerance and civility. It's not that I want the bully to suffer, either. I just want my child to feel empowerment for a change. I want him to get the message that others do not have the right to dictate his self worth. My less-than-athletic, entertainment driven, sci-fi loving, creative kid has the right to sit where he wants at lunch without the football team claiming tables, deciding where others can sit. He should be able to walk the hallways without being mocked.
But, the truth--which, I often forget in the heat of anger--is that my son's self empowerment needs to come from a more productive place than punching someone out. And judging by the fact that, after all these years, he still refuses to slug someone, maybe he understands that better than I do. Finally, in the 6th grade, he is starting to feel empowered at school. Through his stop-motion Lego videos, he is gaining some respect--especially after he created one for a health project and the whole class saw it. Apparently, bullies are capable of being impressed from time to time. And if they aren't, kids who don't bully, but stay clear of the victims for fear of being bullied themselves, can be brought out of their shells. Yesterday, I heard a phrase from my son that has never come out of his mouth before: "I have never felt this great about school!" Part of what has worked is the support he has gotten in his new middle school. An amazing guidance counselor has helped him to reach out with his talents, opening doors to newly available activities in school. She has given both of us hope and clearly realizes the importance of her job.
My kid has had a self-esteem boost outside his home--one to add to a collection that will, hopefully, grow. Three weeks ago we were in the guidance counselor's office trying to find a solution to constant mocking. Today, we are hesitantly moving forward. Grades are improving. Enthusiasm for school activities has increased. I had gotten to the point where I thought schools had absolutely no power over fixing bully issues. While I still don't hold much stock in "anti-bully programs" I can see how schools can help kids who have trouble fitting in by looking closely at the individual and creating options. His guidance counselor is soooo getting a great holiday gift! Love her!
Some say, that as long as a child gets love and acceptance at home, they will turn out fine. My own husband falls into this category. I wish I could believe that. All we have to do is look at the news lately to see that is not always the case. Teen and childhood suicides due to bullying is rampant. I had no idea there were so many suicides this past September alone! I guess the question is, "Exactly how much self esteem does it take to prevent something so horrible?" How many heartbroken parents talk about how they, "had no idea?" I refuse to be one of those poor parents and therefore I am constantly on alert. I have learned from them and feel for them. Being constantly on alert for signs your child can't take the heat anymore and fearful that you will miss something is no way to live. But, what other choice is there until we know exactly what it takes to buffer our children against the typical bully? I have a feeling the answer is different for each child.
And, while we're at it--why are there so many bullies these days? Many ideas surface through the recent heavy media coverage. Are we just paying attention to it more? Could it be that the cyberbullying techniques employed today give a faceless license to bully so that those who haven't enough nerve for face-to-face confrontations can attack with ease? Could the overscheduled, overstructured nature of childhood today be to blame for taking kids away from learning to socialize amongst each other in an unstructured environment? I read a report the other day about how the average bully these days is not the "problem" kid, the troubled kid, the kid with a lousy famiy situation and parents who leave them to the wolves. Instead, we see more of the so-called "bright, well-adusted kids" who are clickier than ever with others, yet somehow need to take those who are different down a notch or two. Now, the concept of the "bully jock" is nothing new. However, maybe so many kids being started in regimented football leagues beginning in 2nd grade is giving them more self-confidence than they should have so early. I know, I know: I'm not a sports parent. That's not a popular idea. True, we've tried baseball, done soccer, done basketball and nothing stuck. So maybe I'm biased. But, when the majority of the football team in my son's grade calls non-football players "losers," what am I supposed to think?
I have my own theory (please keep in mind I haven't the slighest bit of a psychology degree): It's a combination of the two aforementioned ideas. On average, parents lead far more hectic days than in generations past. Many children are with their parents less, either due to both parents working and/or countless activities where one or two other adults are leading kids in a group. Translation? Many parents are not setting aside time to teach kids the nuances of kind, civilized behavior, while teachers and activity leaders realistically do not have the resources to individually impact each child in their care to the same degree. Being a working, under pressure mom myself, I feel it. There's never enough time in the day for everything. I battle to find those teachable moments, never feel I find them enough, and whenever I do find them, you can bet I'm overlooking some other area of life I ought to be tending to. (Please don't ask to see if the beds are made, if my checkbook is balanced, or if my laundry is done.)
Then, I wonder: Maybe time isn't it at all. Maybe something happened during my generation's upbringing to make a higher number of today's parents negligent in communicating the golden rule. Either way, when a parent gets mad at me because her son was sent to the principal with a group of kids who tormented my son and pushed him into goose poop, something is wrong. Ooops. I forgot: She claimed the punishment was unjust because, and I quote, "All he did was laugh." Then I'm expected to feel bad for her poor little guy who didn't sleep for two nights because he was so afraid of the principal, the one time the administrator properly intervened. Well, maybe I'd feel sorry for this mom's two nights of no sleep if I didn't have to battle three weeks of tears (my son's and mine) struggling to get to school each morning afterward. Did it ever occur to this mom that her son might have actually learned a lesson that day? If my son had laughed at a kid being bullied and I found out about it, I would have taken him to the principal myself. But, maybe I'm just a raw nerve. Maybe I'm just pissed off from going through the same garbage I went through in school all over again by watching my kid suffer through it. You know what? Getting bullied doesn't build character. It builds a life of flitting between constantly second-guessing every move you make for fear someone will call you on it and sometimes deliberately doing the opposite of what people expect simply because you want the empowerment of feeling contrary. Know what else? As far as school bullying being a right of passage, as some would suggest, many childhood diseases were a right of passage generations ago, but vaccines were found for those.
One thing many researchers agree on: Decent behavior is not merely something children learn by example. That's only half of the equation. The other half involves INTENTIONALLY teaching children that those who are off-beat, learning disabled, too poor to buy new clothes, non-athletic, have unconventional interests, are same-sex oriented, are shy, have an unusual body feature, cannot speak a particular language, worship differently, come from a currently un-popular country, use an "odd" mannerism, dress differently, or can't hold a "typical" conversation are no less worthy of breathing the same air and of being treated with dignity and respect.
Anyway, whether you think my ideas are on the money or way off in left field, bullying is a huge issue and it's time people deal with it. I know I haven't really offered any answers for those who seek help on the bully front, but if I had anything concrete, I would have. The best I can say from experience is, bolster, bolster, bolster your child's talents and good traits. Let them know how important they are to your family. Yet, that might not be enough. Be on alert. For more takes on the ins and outs of bully issues, the following resources are excellent for information and guidance:
Thanks for indulging me. We now return you to our regular scheduled bloggering. : )
